Reflecting

I have a great mirror in my bathroom. I’m not sure if it’s the lighting, the positioning, or a combination of the two—but it serves me back a flattering reflection that makes my day. Seeing the best version of myself makes me feel like I can do anything. 

The concept of ‘mirroring’ is used in psychology to describe how people imitate the gestures, speech patterns or attitudes of others in conversation—to increase connection and improve how they are received. It is usually an unconscious response, but can also be learned as a technique. Here’s my version: 

If you’re looking to enhance your connection with someone, pay attention to their tone and manner, and reflect this back to them in the most flattering way possible.

We may respond unhelpfully when we feel someone is a little too much—a little too emotional or somewhat too direct, for example. On these occasions, it’s likely that we’ve tried to provide a balance rather than a reflection. This never works.

If someone is being emotional, we may become more cooler and more direct, in an attempt to help them 'pull themselves together' for instance. If this sounds familiar, try instead to display a bit of feeling yourself, in the form of grace and empathy. That is what they need to restore their equilibrium.

If someone is being abrupt and critical, instead of reacting emotionally or objecting that their tone is distressing, be more analytical yourself. Present the same function in its mature form: be clear, calm and focus on solving the problem. That is what they need to restore their equilibrium.

Whatever the trait that someone is displaying, play that back to them in its most flattering and mature version. This will calm the situation, enable that person to be the best version of themselves, and might save you an argument. 

Be like my mirror.

Narcissus by Caravaggio